I sometimes wonder if I over-think the whole adoptive parent thing. It's hard to get perspective when that is all you've ever known so I try not to make too big a deal out of comments from well intentioned people who carelessly make thoughtless remarks. It bugs me when people ask if my girls are real sisters (I answer yes), I bristle at hearing international adoption is "trendy", my head starts to spin when idiots like Jessica Simpson say she wants to adopt and have kids "of my own" (get a clue...adopted kids are your own!!) but mostly I'm the very picture of tolerance and understanding. Really. I do understand that for some reason what people say and what they mean do not always align. I'm guilty of verbal lapses myself on a pretty regular basis so I try to cut people some slack. I hold the written word (I'm talking publications here, not my own blog:)), however, to a higher standard. With writing, there is supposed to be some forethought. There is opportunity for revision. Someone approves, edits, types, & proofreads the copy. Therefore, ridiculous statements should be held to a minimum. Right?
Last week my neighbor Laurie (dear friend and fellow adoptive parent of a girl from China) shared a little article on family diversity in a newsletter from her son's elementary school. It is entitled "Talk About Different Kinds of Families" and begins as follows: Your child learns about tolerance at home and mostly from you. Talk with him about the many kinds of family that exist. Some families are single parents and others are same sex parents. Some have gone through divorces; others have experienced infertility that resulted in adoption... Some familes have stepchildren and stepparents.
Not to put too fine a point on it but WHAT???!!! First of all, whose business is it whether or not Mark and I have functioning reproductive organs? Does every adopted child want to be subjected to classmates who have been instructed to think: "poor kid, only reason her parents adopted her is because they have substandard body parts"? What's more, even if we did struggle with infertility before adopting (and we did), the infertility did not result in adoption. Our desire to become parents resulted in adoption as it does for many families, infertile or otherwise. We know other families for whom adoption was their one and only planned path to parenthood. In fact, when we decided to adopt Mimi, we were so committed to adoption that we actually became concerned that we might accidentally become pregnant (long story there) and dreaded the possibility.
So the article hit a nerve. But is it actually offensive? If so, to what degree? One of the many benefits of living next door to Laurie, is that we have another adoptive parent with whom we can hash out these issues on a regular basis. A nice conversation and a couple of glasses of wine later, we concurred that the author probably didn't need to be hung out to dry, per se, but perhaps a polite note explaining the trouble with the article's phrasing would suffice. The way we see it, there are two options: either leave out the infertility statement altogether or insert possible reasons why other types of families were formed as well. The wine helped us draft a few suggestions for the author should he or she choose the later:
Talk About Different Kinds of Families
Your child learns about tolerance at home and mostly from you. Talk with him about the many kinds of families that exist. Some women are unmarried mothers who get knocked up following a one night stand at age 16 and, therefore, are single parents. Some parents argue incessently, probably married for all the wrong reasons in the first place, have affairs, and can't agree over money matters so they have gone through divorces; Some families have parents who marry again and again and again and again so have stepchildren and stepparents.
Anybody's personal life feeling threatened?
My point is: YES, there are all different kinds of families. There are many paths through this life and I think we should respect them all. To say adoptive families are caused by infertility is inaccurate, insensitive, insulting and presumptuous. How we found and chose the path to becoming the happy family we are is really no one else's business but our own and those with whom we choose to share it.
2 comments:
I read an article about this very subject in the magazine "Parenting" a couple of months ago. This woman and her husband had adopted and also had biological children. People were always trying to guess which kids were which. This of course drove the woman crazy because they were all her kids and she didn't love any of them differently because of who they were or where they came from. She too tried to ignore what people said but sometimes she couldn't hold back. No matter what anyone else says Mimi and Julia are your kids. It doesn't matter how they came to you but they did and it was meant to be. Most of the time people don't realize how offensive they are actually being by making a comment.
One would think that after thousands of years families created through adoption we would be educated about this stuff! I agree with you, Kristine. The author didn't mean to be offensive and perhaps a polite note of correction would be appropriate. I was at the LA Zoo with Peter (who was about 1 at the time) and overheard a girl telling her classmate (it was a summer camp field trip) "They're not your real parents, they're your fake parents!" The 20-something counselor could only tell her to be quiet while the boy (who was about 8) did not have the articulation to defend himself. Well, I immediately picked Peter up and walked over and asked, "Is someone here adopted?" and they pointed to the boy. I said, "That's wonderful! My son is adopted too and I assure you, I am his REAL mom!" That child's face went from pained to relieved. I then informed the know-it-all little twit girl (sorry, editorializing here) that the wording she was looking for was "birthparents" and that real mommies and daddies are the ones who take care of their children and are there in the middle of the night when you're scared, sick, etc. and that we love our children as much as those who gave birth to children. I got a warm thank you from the camp counselor.
We would have adopted children anyway, regardless of our infertility. That it became our only means of having children just means that the Lord was using our adoptions to lead us into a different ministry-to the orphans of the world. Now we are ambassadors to the world of adopting the world's orphans.
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