Not long ago we were introduced as Mark and Kristine and their adopted daughters.
Blood boiling, eyes seeing red, steam coming out of ears.
Why? We certainly are proud to have two daughters who were adopted from China. We understand that we are a visually conspicuous family and people might wonder about us. All our friends know our story and know that we are strong advocates for adoption as one of many means by which God makes families. The problem is that we'd prefer adoption to be a part of our lives, not the defining event that forever pidgeon holes us into one distinct category.
For us, our daughters' adoption ceremonies were simply the way our children joined our family back on two separate (though both particularly amazing) days in China. Those ceremonies were a one time occurrence, like birth. To say that we adopted (past tense) our daughters is correct. We went to China, we completed the adoptions and the girls are now our daughters forever. To say that our girls are adopted (active present tense) implies that their adoptions are, well, ongoing. I'm not going to debate correct grammar usage...just put forth the argument that saying our girls "are adopted" can make our family sound a bit iffy. As though by not explaining how these gorgeous Chinese daughters came to hook up with those questionable Caucasian parents, no one would possibly believe we could function as a loving family.
It's just so weird, awkward and personal. Imagine if we all had to endure being referenced by the way we gained membership to our families. Picture company newsletters highlighting the achievements of "Anne Smith, the illegitimate daughter of ..." or local newspapers hailing high school athletes as "James Brown, the in-vitro born son of..." How about "Jane Doe, emergency cesarean delivery daughter of..." or "John Johnson, conceived in a Buick by..."
I realize that we sometimes refer to non-adopted children as bio-kids but I'm pretty sure this term only evolved as a way to differentiate adopted from non-adopted kids in response to the constant use of the descriptor "adopted child". If we'd just stop referring to our children by the manner in which they joined our families, the issue could just lay down and die once and for all.
This line of thought reminds me of a story one of my former students wrote. It bore the eye catching title, "Hope was born in a Burger King." In it, the young author told the story of how her parents weren't able to make it to the hospital when her little sister was being born so they pulled into a Burger King parking lot for assistance.
Lucky thing Hope doesn't have to go through life with that tag-line.
I'm only wishing for the same sort of "luck" for my DAUGHTERS. Notice the absence of the word adopted.
3 comments:
You realize that Ron Howard and his wife when naming their children used the name of the place the kids were conceived as their middle names? Hence Bryce Dallas Howard. Nice sense of humor, huh?
I also read this article by a mom who had biological children and adopted children she found herself getting very angry when people tried to guess which of her kids were adopted and which weren't. And would often go on huge angry tirades about how they were all her children no matter where they came from.
I guess people don't realize what they sound like. People say the most amazing things to pregnant women too.
As your friend I know that Mimi and Julia are your girls and it doesn't really matter how they came to you because you love them to death. And really that is all that matters.
:-)
Peter was about 4 months old when I was introduced by my mother to her neighbor as "my daughter, her husband, and their adopted son." I mentioned to her afterward that he was her grandson and she said, "Oh I know that, but they may wonder why he looks different." I told her that they looked like reasonable people and even if they weren't, it wasn't their business where Peter came from. The funny part is that they assume he was an international adoption, not a domestic one. He's the one who now tells them he was born in Anaheim. Right now, it's fun. But time will tell when he is a teenager and doesn't want to let his business be someone else's.
As a side note, my pastor and his wife didn't make it to the hospital for their last child and he helped delivered her in the driveway of the city dump. How's that? Oh, and her birthday is (I'm not kidding) April 1st. She's 28 years old now and still laughs about it.
Teresa
I know just what you mean. It always kills me when I read about Meg Ryan and her adopted daughter and regular son. Or especially Angelina & Brad. The media always seems to point out that Shiloh is the only one that doesn't need that "adopted" label. Even if my kids come home purple with stripes they are just my kids. Their adoptions are an event, something that happened to them- not what defines them.
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