I am now the female Woody Allen. Truly. I can match him step for step in his every crazed, paranoid delusion. Ever since becoming a mom, I have been susceptible to gripping health concerns. Every ache and pain suddenly becomes cancer in my mind. Every headache is, naturally, an aneurysm. Short of breath? Must be heart disease.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a several symptoms at once and almost overloaded my motherboard with worry. Repeated visits to the doctor finally identified my concerns as a pulled sternum muscle and allergy related asthma. Not great, but not the imminent death I feared, either.
I have spoken to a couple of other moms about my mortality issues and have discovered that while, if paranoia were an Olympic event I might very well take a gold medal, there are other competitors out there. So I'm wondering why I haven't heard more about the phenomenon? I know part of my concern comes from the big responsibility of being a mom. I fear leaving my daughters without a mother. While he would do everything in his power to make the experience as great as possible, I really don't want Mark to be the one to take the girls shopping for their first training bras. But really, what makes me leap to the conclusion that my body is betraying me at every turn? I'm relatively young, have always been healthy, and don't have any particularly unhealthy habits. Why leap to the crazy conclusion that if I go to sleep at night, I won't wake up in the morning. Nuts, I tell you. I'm going nuts. I'm reminded of something I heard some comedian say once...it goes something like this: My mind is a dangerous neighborhood I don't recommend driving through at night."
A few weeks ago, before I figured out what was going on with my most recent set of symptoms, I got good and shaky and decided to write a letter to God begging for protection. It helped to put my thoughts in words and now, as I read back, I can clearly see how deep the fear runs. Now that some time has passed, I recognize my panic as unfounded and unreasonable. Meanwhile, though it exists. Will it fade as my children grow older? As I become more accustomed to the added responsibility? As I hear again and again from my doctor that I am fine? As my friends finally become so tired of hearing about my lunatic complaints that they drop me like a hot potato? When?
Sounds like a good dissertation project for some nice psychology major to take on: Mental Moms' Morbid fear of Mortality: When Parenting Causes You to Become Unhinged.
I joke. But that doesn't mean it isn't painful and difficult. A few weeks ago, on the eve of my doctor's appointment for the aforementioned ailments, I lay in bed in a pitiful state, besieged with worry. I was praying to God for good news the following day. What follows is the letter I wrote to him. Downer though it is, I'm sharing because I can't think of a better way to illustrate it all.
Dear God,
I am putting this in writing so you know I am serious about needing your help. I've had numerous physical ailments lately and am now at the point where I am seriously concerned. A part of me keeps saying all my little complaints can be easily explained away but a bigger part of me is shaking with the what-ifs even now. I'm so terrified they mean that a big, scary disease has taken root and is spreading through my body even as I sit here typing this letter. I sometimes wonder if I am on the verge of a heart attack or stroke and fear I will not wake up in the morning. I know, I know, I do go on. But please, please can you find a way to ease my choking panic? The doctor visits haven't been doing the trick. The excruciating pain I felt in my left hip was explained to me over and over again as being related to a muscle pull. Okay, the muscle over the hip is the longest one in my body. I understand that if it hurts, it can cause pain in every other area connected to it. I can accept that diagnosis. But what about the tightness in my chest? The doctor said, without running a single test, that it sounds like allergies and asthma. I've been using the inhaler she prescribed for over three weeks and I'm not sure there is much improvement nor am I convinced I have asthma. So, I've scheduled another appointment for tomorrow and I will be demanding more information and real evidence that asthma is the true problem. And if the asthma diagnosis is wrong, should I question the hip muscle diagnosis, too? Meanwhile, I noticed that if I massage my pectoral muscle, the tightness goes away. Pulled pectoral muscle? Angina? Heart troubles? Then...my throat started getting sore. Kind of felt like I had a lump in there. I looked inside my mouth, opening as wide as I could and was astonished to see that my uvula was noticeably longer. Not only that, but the airway back there is really asymmetrical. The left side does not lift nearly as high as the right. Google says the uvula thing is related to allergies. I spent an afternoon giddy with relief thinking everything could be explained by silly old allergies. Then I got to wondering why all my complaints are for ailments on my left side. They all seem muscle related. Could this be something bigger? MS? ALS?
I am a mom. A Mama. I cannot die. Do not let me die. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. I am shaking with fear as I type this now. Please let her look at me and soothe my fears. Please let her tell me this is something that will pass. Please help me shake this horrid, gripping, destructive fear. Please spare our family. I am begging you. I beseech you. Please.
Love,
Kristine
2 comments:
Oh my goodness, Kristine. You are usually so composed! I had no idea you were feeling this way.
As I just turned 45, I can tell you that aches and pains are getting to be normal for me and I'm worrying a little less. There are times that I hear about some symptom and think, "That's me!" but then I'm reassured (a little) by the doctors that I do not have that disease.
I think that when we're younger, the thought of our mortality is not as strong as when we get a little older and it's particularly strong when we become parents responsible for little ones. I also think that hearing someone dying who is close in age to us is more common than it was when we were in our 20's.
I also have a different worry. I was 8 when my father died of cancer so my worry is having my husband die early. So far he seems to be in good health, but I still worry...
Besides, he doesn't know the first thing about Kotex pads.... :)
I will keep you in my prayers too.
Teresa
Does it make you feel better or worse to know that, man, you are so normal. They may not be writing about it, but really, I think any parent with a sensitive bone in their body feels as you do. My mom developed a fear of flying when we were born, mostly because she knew her mother and sister must NOT raise her children. I do not want to have children. I have many many many reasons (though I do like children). One of them is because I cannot bear the worry that I would put myself through. Even with the drugs and the shrink, I'm sick just thinking about it. Don't worry, you'll live to make your girls hate you in your old age (heh heh). But you do probably need a shrink. Of course, I think everyone needs a shrink.
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