Mama's Me Time

Here I sit at a plush spa (Sleeping Lady Resort), in my very own room, with my very own organic cotton sheets, typing on my brand new laptop, having just come from an evening nightcap, contemplating a quick trip to the hot tub and you'd think I'd be giddy with delight.

On Sunday I left for a 5 day conference/class on technology sponsored by my school district. I applied for one of these coveted spot many months ago when I figured my girls would be big enough to handle my absence without too much angst and knowing Mark would home for the summer, thereby being available to hold down the fort. In the weeks leading up to my departure, I fantasized about uninterrupted sleep, hours of conversation with grown-up types, the pleasure of learning some new professional skills, and the luxury of having a bit of solitude from time to time.

I find reality is far different than my expectations. Not that I'm complaining--the food is great, I really am enjoying the conference and here I sit typing at my lovely new laptop on my super comfy bed with only the gentle hum of the air-conditioner to break the peace and quiet of this relaxing setting. But I haven't found my stride yet either. I feel off balance. Sleep did not come as easily as I had imagined last night and I had a totally failed attempt at a nap this afternoon. Then, rather than take advantage of sleeping in tomorrow, I actually agreed to join friends for a 5:30 am bike ride. This is craziness, people!

I have discovered that I'm not really sure what to do with myself when I am by myself so much anymore. It's been nearly 16 years since I've had this much me time. I find myself running lots of internal monologues to help remind myself how to just be me. How to be alone. How to co-exist with people who do not require my presence for food, clothing, clean diapers and who don't say "uuuupppppp Mama" 10,000 times a day. But oh how I miss being Mama. I miss my girls, I miss my husband. I don't much like sleeping in the big bed by myself. Having said all that, though, I think this is a needed opportunity. I know it is very healthy for me to get reacquainted with even the quiet thoughts and subtle feelings I am generally too rushed to acknowledge. So I'll spend the next few days using my brain in class, living in my own head for a while and trying not to call home every 10 minutes. Then, come Thursday, you might want to think of staying off the highway cause I'll be burning rubber on my way home.

In the meantime, if you see my sweeties, give them a big hug and kiss for me and tell them I love them.

BTW, in case you were wondering...Mark and the girls are doing just fine!